Remember the Alamo???

EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS - DAY 2

Ok, remember like 10 years ago when I took that trip to Texas with my son? Yeah, so I think it's time to actually write about what we did once we got there. I'm sure you were thinking "oh cool, so they had a bad plane ride and then apparently they got attacked by wild hogs." The End.

Of course not. If wild hogs are going to be the death of me then it's going to be from the swine flu or something extremely fattening wrapped in bacon...and ME doing the attacking. Posse up!

Janice had the day off (Larry's retired - so he has every day off), and they decided to show us around downtown. This was a huge relief. True, "Candy" was pretty much my girlfriend by now, but the relationship was too young to be pushing the limits in another state. I wanted to take things slow. For all I know she would go crazy and take me to all the way to Corpus Christi, fool me into thinking I'm still on a road, and make me drive off into the Gulf of Mexico.

[ P.S. For those who didn't read my first post about our Texas trip, "Candy" is not a real person, but is my nickname for my hot new GPS system. Seriously, if J-bizzle's going to have himself a shorty in Texas he sho' ain't gonna blog about it. ]

8:00 am?

I think this is when I woke up. I walk in and of course Carson's already on their computer playing Poptropica. Seriously bud, did you even ask?

8:20 am

Finishing bowl #3 of my Cap'n Crunch. For those of you who are not familiar with my side of the family we believe that cold cereal is one of the only foods you need to sustain life. The other things are deep fried scones, pomegranates, and Otter Pops.

9:30 am

Showered, dressed and ready to go. Oh, and it's like 80 degrees here and 40 back home. [Suckaz!] Janice is wearing a long sleeve fleece or something like that. She can't be serious.

10:00 am

We're off: First stop is the Alamo. Janice rides with Carson and I in their van [which they let us borrow all week - big ups]. Just for kicks I plug in the GPS. Ok, girl, let's see what you got.

10:12 am

Candy obviously didn't put any make-up on today cuz she's looking really ghetto. Her first mistake as she tries to make us take the wrong exit and follow an access road all the way to the downtown area. Um...it's called "fastest route", not the one where you get to talk more. Luckily Janice saves us from disaster.

The freeways are funny down there. There's a loop that goes all the way around the inner part of San Antonio, and then a freeway loop that goes all the way around the outer limits of San Antonio. So they built these two freeways and then someone was like:
"Uhhhh, Billy Bob, how come them freeways ain't touchin' ?"
"Well, you's right Jimmy, neither of them touchin'. Let's go shoot some squirrels."

Joining highways were later added.

10:40 am

We drive by the front of the Alamo on our way to park. I've heard it was small, but once you see it you realize how tiny it really is. We actually go the IMAX theater first to see "The Alamo: Price of Freedom." Janice thought it would be a good idea for Carson to see the movie prior to visiting the Alamo so he knew about the history and story behind it.

Oh man, and I totally almost did one of my "I'm going to act like I know what I'm talking about right now" moments because I seriously was about to say "Yeah Carson, it's one of the greatest and most famous military victories in our country's history!" And Janice and Larry would have looked at me like "you shouldn't do drugs. They're bad for you."

Ok, so here's what I knew about the Alamo prior to seeing this movie:

1. It was a fight between Mexicans and Americans.

2. Something really great happened. Something we should all "remember."

3. It does not have a basement, as Pee-Wee Herman found out in the 1985 smash comedy "Pee Wee's Big Adventure." I still love the way Jan Hooks smacks her gum in this clip.

11:00 am

The movie starts and I cannot wait to see how this ends. You know, the same way some idiot watching "Titanic," "United 93," or "Schindler's List" feels. News flash: The boat sinks, the plane crashes and the Jews all die.

11:10 am

James Bowie is too sick to command the army and turns the reins over to William Travis. Ok, I know Bowie because those huge knives are named after him and Crocodile Dundee used one. Travis I've never heard of, but he looks like a good leader and probably won't die.

11:20 am

Davy Crockett [King of the Wild Frontier] arrives with his group of volunteers from Tennessee. He's the guy who wore th at raccoon tail hat and killed a bear with his hands when he was like 5 years old. Now I'm getting pumped because just think how many Mexican troops he's going to take out if he's capable of something like that. I'm predicting he'll be the only man left standing at the end.

His raccoon hat reminds me of Scott Farkas, the bully from "A Christmas Story." So apparently raccoon hats were a symbol of "You should really be scared of me" back in those days. From about 1970, though, it meant you were either a major backwoods hick or a member of the Village People.

11:22 am

Ok, this really is going to be a great victory. Have you seen these odds? 189 Americans vs. about 4,000 Mexican soldiers. No wonder everyone "remembers" this.

11:25 am

The ultimate example of not giving in to peer pressure. General Travis draws a line in the sand and asks everyone who's "with him" to cross. All but one man does: Louis "Moses" Rose. Whoa whoa whoa. Hoooooold on a second. Really???!!! James Bowie, practically dying from the black plague, has Crockett and others carry him across the line, but you're like "sorry guys, it's just not for me."

And it's not as if they were asking you to try crack or look at a nudie magazine - this is GOOD peer pressure! Seriously. And your middle name is "Moses?" Really? Like the same Moses who stood up to all of Egypt and freed the Israelite slaves? That very same Moses? Really? Really? Wow.

11:35 am

The battle begins. Santa Anna, the leader of the Mexican army, starts firing off his cannons. Good choice for the actor to play him. He looks cold-hearted and evil. And evil always loses in movies, right? Right.

11:38 am

Crockett picks off about a few dozen Mexicans with his rifle, but now they're coming in too fast so he starts hitting them in the stomach with the butt of his rifle. In fact, it's so effective that he does the same move 12 consecutive times until the Mexican troops get smart to it and charge him more than one a time. They pin him down against the wall and bayonet him to death. What's going on here? Crockett's not supposed to die?! He's Han Solo, Travis is Luke, and Bowie is like Lando, or something, but not black. How are we supposed to win without them?

11:40 am

Bowie is shown in bed with his famous knife and a pistol. He hears footsteps coming toward his room. The door opens and he completely blows the crap out of the first Mexican dude who runs in. Annnnnnd then he gets stabbed several hundred times and dies. Ok, so maybe the director took some liberties with the actual story, so now it's up to Travis to save the day.

11:41 am

Travis is dead. I'm finally realizing that this isn't a great victory.

11:45 am

Santa Anna and the Mexicans...win. Santa Anna stands over the dead body of Travis and declares sweet victory. But wait! Look everyone! Travis isn't dead - he's still breathing! Oh, it's just the actor faking like he's dead but the camera is on him for an unusually long time so he can't help but take a breath. That's just great.

Ok, now that I did not see coming. I think I've been less surprised at the end of one of M. Night Shyamalan's movies.

11:50 am

Carson thought the flick was great and runs to the model someone's built of the famous battle. That's so misleading. Even in the model it looks like we're winning.

11:51 am

A bit of trivia from Janice: After a few stints in and out of power in Mexico, Santa Anna was overthrown and exiled to the United States in Staten Island, NY. There he brought the first shipments of "chicle," the base of chewing gum, to the United States. Later, through more experiments, he helped develop the cheap, nasty, loses-its-flavor-after-3-seconds gum we know today as "Chiclets." Great, so now even years after his death Santa Anna continues to be a thorn in the side of Americans. For those of you who have ever been to Mazatlan or any other tourist area in Mexico...you know what I mean.

12:05 pm

Carson and I posing in front of the Alamo. I know. I know. Can you move your tubby carcass out of the way, Jared, so we can see the Alamo? Hey folks, I told you it was small.

12:10 pm

We're inside. There's a few rooms with some actual artifacts from the battle: one of Crockett's rifles, a Bowie knife, and some letters written by Travis. However, they won't allow any photographs to be taken. I guess in an actual battle my Casio camera can beat a 4" wide knife blade and a musket. So that's how Mexico won.

12:35 pm

We exit the main building and into the courtyard. Carson cannot help himself and has to climb each cannon. I will spare you all the jokes that could be made from this photo.

12:45 pm

Ohhhh, the dreaded gift shop. I hate souvenirs, and Carson loves this crap, so I've always steered him into wanting the cheapest ones: AKA fridge magnets, shot glasses, or those machines that squish the pennies into a design. And I always limit him to a couple souvenirs per trip.

12:50 pm

He selects the Alamo magnet and the pressed penny with the front of the Alamo on it. $6.51. I've trained him well.

12:52 pm

Waiting in line to pay, Carson runs up to me with a toy rifle and pulls the trigger, while at the same time shouting "Die, Mexican!" I look around, sheepishly "Heh, yeah...we just saw the Alamo movie. Kids...you never know what they'll say." The two Hispanics in line behind me were probably thinking "Yeah, your son is eight, amigo."

I recall confronting this same issue with him when we had read the New Testament together and he ran around saying "Die Jew!"

12:53 pm

"Yeah bud, we're in San Antonio, which is like 80% Hispanic, so probably not the best thing to say. In fact, we live in Pasco, which is like 55% Hispanic, so not the best thing to say there either. Yeah, actually there's really no scenario I can think of where the words "Die, Mexican!" are fitting. So, don't say it."

1:15 pm

We meet Janice and Larry at the start of the Riverwalk - the most famous part of San Antonio other than the Alamo. It's a network of walkways along the San Antonio River and a popular place to eat, shop and at night - party. The walkways are so narrow that I don't know how people are able to get around during the busy tourist seasons. I wonder how many people actually fall into the river each year. I'm guessing a lot - particularly at night - because alcohol + walking = falling into river.

1:21 pm

The Riverwalk is also home to one of America's most famous chain of high class bars - Coyote Ugly.

"My first day of kindergarten I was singing along to Boyz II Men when Mom realized I could sing! I started at Coyote Ugly shortly after turning 21, and during a night shift the girls convinced me to sing on the bar...and here we are!" says Brandee of Coyote Ugly San Antonio. So exactly at what point from that time in kindergarten until your 21st birthday did your mom want you to dance half naked on a bar singing "Bad Medicine" while other skanks poured pitchers of water on you?

I thought I could dance when I was younger, but it doesn't mean I'm trying out for the Chippendales next week. Besides, that might look less like Swayze and more like Farley if that happened.

1:30 pm

Lunch at Casa Rio - the oldest restaurant on the Riverwalk. It's been there since 1946. Carson seems more interested in harassing the ducks than his meal. Well, we just barely got our kids to go to Taco Bell like a year ago so I'm not surprised that he isn't a fan of actual Mexican food. My burrito is so bueno that if it were a real person I would mistake it for Salma Hayek.

2:15 pm

All of us take a Rio Cruise - a 35 minute narrated history tour on a little river boat. Janice says she's been on this several times with her kids but has never seen the whole thing because she always falls asleep. "It's very relaxing" she says.

2:20 pm

Janice is asleep.

2:40 pm

I'll spare you all the tour details (most of it is just history of the Riverwalk and some important buildings) but my favorite part was "Marriage Island" a small island on the river that hosts about 300+ weddings a year. An ancient legend says that any couple who weds on Marriage Island will have a long and happy life together. Because nothing says long and happy life like this bride and groom.

3:30 pm

Janice has to work, but her and Larry drop us off at the Buckhorn and Texas Ranger Museum first. Good thing - I don't have my GPS right now so it would've been closed by the time I found it.

3:35 pm

The Texas Ranger Museum is downstairs so we start there. It's a collection of artifacts from all the famous lawmen from Texas. Man, they LOOOOOOVE guns. I mean love them. In fact, I haven't seen a bigger collection of guns since I flexed in the mirror this morning. Ahhhh yeah.

The most famous Texas Rangers, of course, are Walker - played by Chuck Norris, and the Lone Ranger - the masked cowboy in all those old movies. Of course, Chuck Norris' reputation speaks for itself (www.chucknorrisfacts.com), but many of you might not remember the Lone Ranger. He was a "master of disguise" with his little black mask and Indian friend, Tonto. One of my fondest childhood memories is seeing the Lone Ranger movie in the 80s, and my little sister Kim crying and screaming the whole time: "Don't shoooooot the Lone Ranger!"

4:00 pm

The most documented arrest by the Texas Rangers was the infamous duo of Bonnie and Clyde - outlaws during the Depression era. And by "arrest" I mean that four Rangers absolutely shot the crap out of Bonnie and Clyde in their car. I bet it puts most drive-bys in Compton to shame.

4:05 pm

Carson in training to be a Texas Ranger. I love how I mock him in the video for missing. I'm such a good dad.

4:15 pm

The Buckhorn Museum (aka Redneck's Paradise) is a massive collection of stuffed animal heads. The walls are covered with everything you can imagine. Basically, if there's ever been any animal in existence that got within 100 yards of a rifle, bow/arrow, spear, knife, harpoon or fist then said animal's head is up on the walls of this building.

4:16 pm

Yes, of course that's a real wooly mammoth. This is the Buckhorn, fool! We don't half step!

4:40 pm

Some dude was able to successfully breed a fish with a crocodile. There some other weird monkey-looking half breed creatures in the same display. Looking at the lower right, apparently someone was able to cross an ape with a Viking and a Conehead from those old SNL skits.

The one on the left is a "Man-boon" - which is half man and half baboon. It made me wonder what would happen if someone were to cross me with 4 gallons of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. I believe that would be a "Man-boob" - two of them.

4:45 pm

It's almost closing time and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by the Buckhorn. I still will never go hunting, but I was down for all the crazy animal heads. Two thumbs up.

5:02 pm

After getting a little bit lost we arrive back at the Riverwalk for dinner. There's a little place I read about called Dick's Last Resort where all the waiters are rude to you.

5:05 pm

Ok, we just walked by two guys holding PINKIES. I'm pretty sure even most gay people would say that's "really gay."

5:15 pm

We walk in to be seated. "Are you waiting for an invitation?! Go sit somewhere and we'll help you when we're ready." says the host. Awesome.

5:20 pm

"Oh you can sit anywhere but there. That's reserved for people who don't suck" says our waitress.

5:25 pm

Me (looking at their very small lunch menu): "Is this your entire menu here?"

Waitress: "No there's actually 3 more pages. They're just invisible."

Waitress: "Our dinner menu's on the ceiling if you want something off of that."

Me: "Oh...huh?"

Waitress: "To see the ceiling you normally look up."

Sure enough. The dinner menu is actually on the ceiling.

5:26 pm

Me: "Ok, he'll have the chicken strips."

Waitress: "Chicken strips for your daughter. And what will you have, ma'm?"

Me: "Ummmm, let's seeeeee."

Waitress: "Because you know I can actually get these people next to you their menus and drinks instead of sit here and wait for you to decide."

Me: "Ok, I'll have the..."

Waitress: "Yeah, I'll come back later." And leaves.

5:30 pm

The table next to us:

Lady: "Will this sampler platter feed our entire party as an appetizer?"

Waiter: "Normally, but you might want to order two of them - one for you and one for the rest of your party."

This place rules. If I lived in San Antonio I would totally work here.

6:30 pm

I'm eating 3 scoops of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in a single dish: Chunky Monkey, Chubby Hubby and this new Chocolate Coconut flavor. If each of these scoops were a woman my name would be Shawn Kemp.

7:01 pm

Ok, now where is that car parked?

7:35 pm

Ha, found it!

8:15 pm

Back to Larry/Janice's crib. Watch a little dancing with the stars with Larry. Tomorrow we're on our own. Hope I can make it back downtown.

Stay tuned for Day 3 - On The Set of Saw 8