Catch a Fallon Star

"No Jared…thank you."

Due to the numerous [five] requests via email, fan letters and other sources about my appearance on the Jimmy Fallon show, I decided to include an excerpt from a recent interview I did with Ryan Seacrest for the upcoming "E! True Hollywood Story: You've Got What it Spit-Takes – The Rise of a Pasco Icon." This should answer all of your burning questions that weren't already addressed by TMZ and Entertainment Weekly.

NOTE: For the "enhanced version" click on the orange links.

Ryan Seacrest: "Wow, I can't believe I'm in the same room as you!"

Me: "Pinch yourself...it's not a dream."

RS: "So why were you in New York that week?"

Seacrest, take a picture...
it will last longer.

Me: "I had never seen the Statue of Liberty before – well, at least not the one in New York; I've been to the Vegas one – Plus, I love hot dogs and salted pretzels and you just can't get those anywhere else."

RS: "And did you ever think to yourself – Hey, I'm going to become famous today?"

Me: "I don't think most people would ever think that, but yes…I did have an inkling. Kind of like a women's intuition."

RS: "What was your first clue then? I mean, from what I hear you didn't even have tickets to see the show!"

Me: "This is true. I had failed miserably at getting the tickets online about a month prior. And really, all I had to do was make a simple phone call, but I'm more of a texter so I never got around to it."

RS: "So how did you finally score the tickets?"

Me: "I tried Craigslist and had a couple leads, but the first person said he had 'VIP passes' for 'only $50 each' – a little slim shady, I thought – and the second guy wanted me to send him pics of myself first. That offer was a little more believable, but ultimately I felt like he had a lot more to gain from the transaction so I called it off. We decided to just chance it and get standby passes."

RS: "Ooooo, that's risky – no guarantee you'll get in."

Me: "That's what she said."

RS: "HA HA HA LOL HA BWHA HA oh that's a good one! So Michael Scott of you."

Me: "Huh? No really, that's what the ticket lady said. Our passes were only good for unclaimed seats or people who didn't show up for the taping."

RS: "Ok, so fast forward to when you're waiting in line."

Me: "Well, we couldn't really wait in line. Some glorified hall monitor kept booting us from the 30 Rock lobby until it was 'EXACTLY' 4:15 on the dot, so we had to wait outside instead. I did see some old hot famous lady get out of her cab and waltz right in, though."

RS: "Oh you mean Helen Mirren?! Wow, did you get to talk to her?"

"Yes please, Helen right between MY eyes."

Me: "Yeah, I asked her for $9.00 and 2 hours of my life back for having to sit through that Red movie."

RS: "So 4:15 hits – where are you standing?"

Me: "Finally in the standby line. They inform us that this is only for the FIRST round and if our number was called we would go upstairs to the SECOND round for seats. I'm like 'Wha?!" Seriously, I've seen LESS drama to be a contestant on that stupid American Idol show!"

RS: "… … …"

Me: "no offense?"

RS: "So obviously you made it to the second round."

Me: "Yes, but I wasn't certain what we would have to do next to get the tickets. I immediately thought starting thinking of things I was good at in case we had to perform a talent. I narrowed it down to either vacuuming, art, or breakdancing. If they didn't have a vacuum I figured I could combine two of my skills like Turbo from Breakin' did with the broom.

RS: "When did you find out you were going to be on the show?"

Me: "Some guy – whom I assume was one of the producers – came over and asked Brad and I how we knew each other. I said: 'friends from home', and then he asked how well we knew each other, and I'm thinking 'Dude, are you a cop?!' but said we pretty much could be brothers. And then he just said 'thanks' and left."

RS: "That was a little creepy."

Me: "Yeah, kind of the same feeling hot girls have when a random guy approaches them at the mall and asks them if they've ever modeled. But then it's all good, because a minute later he comes back and asks if we'd like to be on the show."

Ladies and Mitch (my bro) show me your backstage passes!
Ohhhh, I'm so sorry…you'll have to sit with the peasants.

RS: "Are you now freaking out?!"

Me: "No, I'm just worried about how fat I'm going to look on TV. We had absolutely dominated this noodle bar for lunch and it was quite possible I was carrying a food baby."

RS: "Do you know what you'll be doing on the show at this point?"

Me: "Yeah they were pretty up front about the spit-takes. I'm guessing that's not something you want to surprise two strangers with. So after signing their release forms we're led backstage, but not before a stern warning from producer guy: 'You might see celebrities back stage, but they are preparing for the show so please nothing more than a quick 'hello'.

RS: "Did you see James Franco or Maria Menounos?" They were both on the show that night.

Maria practiced being hot…and succeeded.

Me: "Neither one, but then again I'm not sure what one needs to do to 'prepare' for a talk show anyway. Do you practice talking?

RS: "Any pre-show prep for you?"

Me: "They actually had us practice the spit-takes with the other team using a garbage can and a clear plastic tarp that funneled into it. One person told the joke behind the tarp and the other would blast them toward the facial area with the water. I actually thought the fire department was going to hire Brad after his practice one. His velocity and water pressure were off the charts. But it worked in our favor because they picked our team to go second – and the second team always wins in things like this."

RS: "Ok, take me to the spit-take segment. The other team just got done with theirs. How are you feeling?"

Me: "Oh, I knew we would dominate. The dude receiving the spit-take even had his mouth open. It's like he was just asking for a disease."

Enter the gladiators.

RS: "You both come out and introduce yourselves to a bunch of cheers. But honestly, what is there to do in Pasco, Washington?"

Me: "Uhhh…we have three Applebee's."

RS: "Now the throwback Mariners shirt I can understand, but really…what's with wearing your jackets?"

Me: "Ahh, that was just for show, but I think we both knew what the other was capable of and just needed the maximum protection. But our cute little stunt backfired when Brad couldn't zip up his life preserver."

"My zippy stuck!"

RS: "Ha ha ha yeah that was great when Fallon called you a nerd when you unzipped."

Me: "Jimmy can call me anything he wants."

RS: "You did seem particularly excited when Brad became the victim! Why did you say 'You don't spit on the Roots' ?"

Me: "That was more of an inside joke. The producer told us to be sure and switch places if the spitee had their back to the Roots because 'you don't spit toward the band.' Plus, I had to show respect to one of my favorite hip hop artists."

I'm sorry, I must be full.

RS: "You really filled up on the water for your spit-take. I love the neck wipe."

Me: "My mouth was so dry that I actually started drinking the water instead of holding it in. I caught myself at the last minute, but there was definitely some leakage.

RS: "And not a bad spit-take. You had a decent delivery."

Me: "Looking back I should have got a lot closer to Brad's face, but yeah, I could probably sign a contract with Rain Bird with what I brought. No doubt."

RS: "I bet you thought you were in the clear after that too. Did you know Brad would get a turn as well?"

Me: "When Jimmy said 'Oh we have time for one more' I seriously thought they were bringing out another team – like some spit-take professionals or something – but no, that was a complete surprise."

RS: "You looked pissed."

Me: "Oh really? What gave you that idea?"

Not mad, just unpleasantly surprised.

RS: "But you gotta take one for the team and play wingman sometimes, right? It's all in the name of entertainment. I love the taunt from Fallon as you zip up your jacket again."

"Zip it up, buddy boy!"

Me: "Probably because even he knew there was nothing I could do to prevent from getting dominated. It's like wearing those $3 parkas on theme park river rides – you still come away soaked."

RS: "And the look in Brad's eyes…"

"Go ahead…make my day."

Me: "I know right. You'd think I kidnapped his family. Even Clint Eastwood would be like 'Now that guy has a score to settle."

RS: "And now everyone's favorite part…the kiss."

Me: "Oh man, he totally demolished…WAIT, WHAT?!"

RS: "Yeah, that's all anyone was talking about – how those 'two dudes kissed on the Jimmy Fallon show.'

Me: "What are you talking about?! That was the greatest spit-take ever! (Not my own words, by the way). Could you not see the velocity and extreme pressure of the water as it sprayed from his mouth?!

RS: "Yep, but I think we mainly saw this…"

Not a kiss (allegedly) #1

RS: "And this…"

Not a kiss (wow, really? get a room) #2

Me: "Well, my eyes were closed, so if anything Brad kissed me."

whatever it was, ?uestlove lost his hair pick.

RS: "Whoa, I'm not judging, and it's not like I think you're going to go join the Warblers, but that was definitely the buzz."

Me: "And I took it like a man too!"

RS: "Probably not something you want to brag about."

Me: "Fair enough."

RS: "But seriously, he cremated you. I mean, I could pressure wash my house with just the video clip of that."

Me: "Hey, we WON right?!"

Annnnnd scene.

RS: "Very true – and last question: Do you still have the towel?"

game. set. match.

Me: "I promised myself one thing after shaking Jimmy's hand – that I would never wash it again unless it was with my spit-take towel."

RS: "Good enough for me – Seacrest OUT!"

In case you've been living underground or just got back from outer space, here's the clip one last time: