The Reason I Hate Coyotes

EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS - Part 1

When something is called "Texas-sized" it refers to an object that is larger than normal. For example, "Texas" toast is thicker than a cheap slice of Wonder bread. A "Texas" tornado presumably does more damage than a normal one. Sir Mix-A-Lot likes "Texas-sized" butts...and oh he cannot lie.

This year Carson and I knocked off another state on his quest for sightseeing domination – the largest of them all. Now of course as soon as I typed this I'm reminded by my son that Alaska is the largest state, to which I reply that I was only referring to states that were not connected to Canada. And then he says "Nuh uh, you didn't even know what the largest state is." And then I said, "Go to bed."

Now one of the highlights of the entire trip was being able to stay with some of our closest family friends: Larry and Janice Woodruff. They lived behind us growing up in Kirkland and ever since I was about three we've been air-tight. The memories with them are too long to list. In fact, the running joke when we were younger was that each of us was supposed to marry someone from the other family. I was supposed to marry their oldest daughter, Serena. Their oldest son Tyson would then take my sister, Angie, to wife. My other sister, Kim, was "perfect" for Kyle, their next oldest son, and my brother Mitch would bring up the rear and marry Alyson. They have another son, Todd, but we quickly threw out the notion of him ever finding someone after he performed a dance routine to Michael Jackson's PYT in a black leotard.

We fly out of Sea-Tac because of course not even Bill Gates can afford to fly out of Pasco. Roll out!

7:00 am
Carson and I hit the road bright and early because apparently it takes over 4 hours to get there. Our plane leaves at 12:50 pm. Lindsay reminds me that she's right about 96% of the time.

7:15 am
Gas up at Sun-Mart and activate the yes...wait for it...GPS. Now, I already know how to get to Sea-Tac Airport, but I wanted to try out our new purchase and check for accuracy. Anyone that knows Lindsay and I understands what a monumental step this is toward perfecting our marriage.

7:17 am
The GPS has a very pleasant female voice. She doesn't sound Asian but I think I'm still falling for her.

8:03 am
Almost to Yakima and the GPS is 5 for 5 on directions. Carson says: "The GPS is really bossy. Mom could be a GPS." No, son, mom could NEVER be a GPS. The GPS actually knows where she's going and doesn't think you're an idiot when you turn left instead of right or miss an exit. She simply says "Recalculating..." and helps you back on the right course.

8:45 am
I decide to name the GPS "Candy" because she's so sweet.

9:55 am
Terrible weather on the pass. Candy did not predict this. I actually have to slow down to about 40 mph, which makes this drive take longer, and puts us behind schedule. Good thing we left early.

9:56 am
Lindsay is now right 97% of the time.

11:01 am
Arrive at the airport, park and check in. Everything is automated now and of course I wrote down my confirmation number incorrectly so I cannot check in. (The stupid computer that called me the day before just started reading it off before I could grab a pen). I know, Candy, not all computers are as nice as you.

11:10 am
Old man behind the ticket counter helps me. I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest person this guy has ever helped use this. Apparently I could have just slid my credit card in the slot and it would have retrieved my flight info. Oh, and how convenient for Continental Airlines – I can use that same card I just swiped to pay $15 to check my bag. If they charge me for my pop and pretzels on the plane someone will go down.

11:25 am
Carson's bag is actually opened and searched at security because there were several "loose items" they wanted to check. Oh, you mean those books? I had an iPod, cell phone, and a GPS system in my bag and they didn't bat an eyelash. Um, those are things I actually would have to turn off during takeoff and they don't even bat an eyelash. I remember flying with my mom. She ALWAYS got stopped and searched several times by airport security because of her 2 knee replacements. It was agonizing to watch. Almost felt like that scene from Who's Harry Crumb starring John Candy.



11:26 am
Some chick has a huge 1 liter bottle of Talking Rain sitting on the top of her purse and is filing her nails. You have heard of 9/11 right? Ok, just checking.



11:35 am
Soooo hungry. Oh snap, Qdoba! I love that place. Carson has Wendy's.

12:30 pm
Boarding time. Carson and I are NOT sitting by each other. We're on opposite rows in the aisle seats. Wow, really? I bought these tickets several months ago and we couldn't sit together? Well, at least he's sitting by a kid his age who also has a Nintendo DS. Ten bucks Carson tries to scam the kid out of letting him play it.

1:15 pm
Jared is $10.00 richer. I wish I could use that $10 to buy something out of Skymall. I have my eye on a shoe rack that also doubles as an ice cream maker. Oh cool, and you can also fold it flat and play backgammon!

2:30 pm
I'm embarrassed. Carson still has that kid's DS and the kid is grabbing for it. I say "Carson!" as loud as I can whisper and give him my version of evil Asian eyes. Then he has the nerve to ask if he can play on my iPod. Beeeee-younce! Go read one of your bombs....errrr, I mean books.

2:45 pm
Lindsay already mentioned it in an earlier post, but I found an article about the restaurant my brother works at in the Continental Airlines In Flight magazine. There's even a photo of him plating some food. Man, I wish I could there, but it's next to impossible to get reservation. If it's anything like the food at his last restaurant then I would marry and father children with over half the courses on the menu.


3:02 pm
Ok, pop on some Kanye and Best of Journey on the iPod and chill until Houston. This decision would later haunt me.

6:55 pm
Touchdown in Houston. We're staying in San Antonio and have a two hour layover until our next plane so of course I'm going to make myself fatter. Yeah, don't mind if I do try a pulled pork BBQ sandwich and beer battered fries. Carson gets Wendy's again. Beer battered fries dipped in a frosty. So right it should be illegal.

7:45 pm
Check the big board. Ok, E-6 is our gate, which after walking it seemed like several miles from where we started.

8:02 pm
Ummmm...E-6 says it's going to San Diego. I literally just checked the departure board AGAIN like 5 minutes ago. Maybe I looked at the wrong "San." Nope, it says San Antonio, E-6, annnnnnnnnnnd then it just changed to B-18. Ok, imagine New York, and then imagine Australia. That's how far apart gates E-6 and B-18 are from each other.

8:10 pm
The people that drive those carts around carrying passengers to their gate don't honk a horn or have a flashing light above them. They just drive around and say "Cart" and hope people hear them.

8:15 pm
Hey, I just saw the guy that played Aaron Pierce on 24. He's tall. Oh sweet, is Jack Bauer on my flight? If he is at least 7 people will die.

8:25 pm
Arrive at B-18. I just realized that instead of making fun of all the passenger carts that I probably should have used one.

8:26 pm
Ok, here's where I start to hate coyotes, I just don't know it yet. People are boarding the plane and there's a really loud cell phone talker person. You know like, "What I'm talking about is really important. Like I'm making a business deal right now before I get on the plane, or selling my stock, or renovating my summer home." This guy will not stop.

8:32 pm
I'm sitting by him on the plane.

8:40 pm
A girl he knows sits by him. So he's got the window seat, she's in the middle, and I'm on the aisle. And sweet Caesar's ghost why am I still not seated by Carson!!??

8:42 pm
Putting pieces of the puzzle together. They work together...for the San Antonio Spurs. Ok, maybe he is important. Oh, and by the way, they are talking the entire time. Oh wait...he's talking and she's listening.

9:05 pm
Stewardess: "This plane will take longer to board than it will to get to San Antonio." Must...kill...self.

9:35 pm
We finally lift off. Over half an hour late. Yes, he is still talking. She works in marketing for the Spurs. I'm still trying to figure out what he does, but he keeps talking about making "appearances." I'm confused. Is he a magician?

9:45 pm
Oh thank the heavens we can now turn on electronic devices. This is where listening to my iPod all the way to Houston backfires. Battery no have juice. It's down to less than 20%. Oh please last.

9:57 pm
iPod dead. I cry. Then I try and blow in it like I would an old school Nintendo cartridge but it doesn't work. However, I keep my earphones on so they think I'm not eavesdropping.

9:58 pm
This dude keeps going on and on about his job. Apparently there is a lot of drama in his occupation. People "expect so much from him" and "why can't Jim understand the schedule I'm on" or "my body is put at risk night in and night out." Ok, wait a minute I know you don't actually basketball for the Spurs because even Tim Duncan would have slapped you silly by now, and he never gets mad.

10:02 pm
Wait a minute: "Appearances," "Schedule", "Body at Risk?" Holy crap, this dude is the Spur's mascot! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. What a tool shed!

10:05 pm
Apparently the Spur's mascot is named "Coyote," and he is one of three people who don the costume. They are not only required to work the games, but also have a quota of appearances to make across the state. You know, like at Sea World, the state fair, elementary schools, etc. Basically anywhere you can buy a churro.

10:07 pm
He actually says that another mascot dude accused him of "bringing down the character of Coyote." This is amazing.

10:08 pm
He rebuffs that dude's accusation, saying he's a "better dunker." Oh, you mean better at jumping on a trampoline and flying directly at the hoop? Yeah, I can do that too.

10:12 pm
Now he's complaining about how another marketing rep always makes him go on personal errands on the way home from appearances. This made him so mad that he actually asked to review his job description with his boss. Hey ace, no need for review, this is your job description:

1. Wear a lame Coyote costume.
2. Act like you can dance.
3. Get in fake little girly fights with other mascots.
4. Shoot t-shirts into the crowd.
5. Take pictures with little kids.
6. Occasionally ride a unicycle.

10:30 pm
Mercy on my soul. We land. This is why I hate coyotes. I feel bad for Larry as I'm sure he'd been waiting awhile for us to get there.

10:45 pm
On the way home Larry tells me a little bit about San Antonio, including how it's common for packs of wild hogs (with tusks) to roam around at night and tear up people's lawns searching for food.

11:15 pm
Janice made a batch of cookies and left them out for us. Looks like the lawn isn't the only place the wild hogs will be dining tonight.

11:30 pm
Bedtime. Tomorrow - The Alamo!