A Girl of Few Words

It is so hard to be a parent sometimes---especially when your child won't do the things that you want them to do and you have no control over the situation.

Kaiya has always been a shy girl around people she doesn't know very well. When she was younger, she would literally embarrass herself to sleep. She has taken the "shyness" to a whole new level the past six months though.

In June, right around Tami's death, {which I'm not sure if it was a coincidence or not}, Kaiya stopped talking to all adults except family. Granted, it's not like she was a huge talker to people she didn't know before, but she stopped talking all together. She stopped talking to her teachers, neighbors, and friends of the family. At the time, we just thought it was a stage she was going through and that she'd start talking again. But, over the past 6 months, it's evolved into something that is part shyness and also partly a game and control issue.

When she is around any sort of adult, she will not say one single word. Instead she'll communicate doing her own personal form of sign language. Ask Kaiya a question with a yes or no answer and Kaiya will shake her head. If she needs something she'll point to it. For instance, if Kaiya needs a drink of water, she'll grab the person's hand and point to a cup. Awhile ago when my neighbor asked Kaiya if Chloe was awake or sleeping, Kaiya put her fingers up to her eye and opened her eye. It's really kind of amazing the creative lengths Kaiya has gone to so she won't have to verbally speak. Kaiya will talk to other kids though, once she's warmed up to them. But, if she notices that an adult is watching or heard her talk she'll clamp her hand over her mouth.

It's been beyond frustrating for me. Not only is Kaiya a "Chatty Cathy" around our house, but the past few months I've been feeling like there hasn't been anything that I could personally do because she talks to us and it's not like I could make her talk to other people. It's like when you potty train your kids and they've got all the control and you both know it. You can't make your kids pee in the toilet until they decide they want to.

As a mother, one of the things that is most important to me is that I raise strong children. I want all my children to feel like they can stand up for themselves. I want them to feel like they can be heard by others, speak their minds, and know that the things they say are worth other's time. Yeah, I get that she's only four, but not being able to communicate to others is going to make life really hard for her as time goes on.

Anyways, lately I've felt like the "doing nothing and waiting for Kaiya to grow out of it" hasn't been working so well, so I got some friendly advice from a friend's mom, who is a therapist. She suggested to wrap up a bunch of presents, put them in a bowl, and lay it out somewhere for Kaiya to see. Then give Kaiya a specific assignment like, "If you talk to ____ tomorrow, then you can open up one of these presents in the bowl. " Also, we are to let Kaiya know that we will be talking to ____ to make sure that Kaiya talked to them. She stressed to make the whole thing very positive. Even if Kaiya doesn't talk and complete her "assignment", still make it all very positive and not get frustrated with her for not doing it, even if she's throwing a fit for not being able to open up one of her presents. Meanwhile, the person that Kaiya's supposed to talk to is supposed to ask Kaiya questions and give her opportunities to talk by pausing for very long periods of time to give her a chance or even saying something like, "Kaiya, I'm waiting for your answer." The person's not supposed to make a big deal out of her not talking though, just giving her opportunities to talk.

After hearing this, I was very excited to have a strategy for dealing with this situation and having the opportunity to try something.

So here's our bowl of wrapped presents, all in Disney Princess wrapping paper and in a pink bowl to boot! Doesn't it say, "Come on, you know you want to talk" all over it!

We tried our new "strategy" this last week. We presented our new plan to Kaiya, who started crying because she immediately wanted to open up one of the presents and didn't want to talk. We then gave Kaiya her assignment to talk to Miss Molly, her preschool teacher on Tuesday. Kaiya came home on Tuesday and she hadn't talked to Miss Molly, which wasn't a big surprise. I personally think it will take a while. Of course, there was the inevitable temper tantrum because she couldn't open a gift. But, we kept it very positive and upbeat saying things like, "I know you can do it, Kaiya! It will be so great when you talk to Miss Molly so you can open up one of your presents!" Thursday Kaiya hadn't talked either, but there wasn't a fit this time and she did say that maybe she'd say "hi" to Miss Molly on Tuesday so she could open a gift.

Hopefully this is something we can take care of soon. If any of you are ever around Kaiya, please don't make a big deal out of her not talking and just give her opportunities to talk. Also, if any of you are around Kaiya and I and you ask her a question, just know that I'm trying to give her an opportunity to answer and if she doesn't answer back and I don't say anything either, we aren't trying to be rude. :)

Anyways, I'm optimistic that this new strategy will work. I think she will get to the point where she'll realize that it's way more beneficial to talk then not to. After all, she was talking to other adults before, so I'm sure she'll start doing it again. I'm also very excited for others to finally get to see and know the Kaiya that our family knows and loves. She's the sweetest little girl and has brought such joy to our family.