Hopes and Dreams

So excuse us, lynch mob, for not posting the past couple weeks. Notice that coincided with the start of something else?

Let me educate a few people on what happens every 4 years in this here household. And no, it's not when the stars align and my boo cleans the house. No peeps, it's a little something I call the Olympic Games. Nothing happens during this time in our lives except this. No yard work. No watching movies. Nothing. We train 4 long years to watch this and nothing's gonna stop us.

Now, there are only a few things on TV that I get more excited about watching than the Olympics, and they are, in order:

1. World Cup Soccer
2. College Football
3. Wrestlemania
4. Wipeout
5. The Hills

One thing I can't give static to is the determination of the athletes. Who else would work that hard at their job only to completely fail in the end and get nothing? Seriously, Mr. Dentist: Would you clean the same people's teeth for 4 years and hope to get a fat salary only to discover that some dentist in Germany cleans teeth faster and he takes your job? Or Mr. Farmer: How would you like to spend 4 years planting, tilling and harvesting your corn field only to learn that some farmer in Slovakia plants and harvests twice the amount of corn you do and you lose your farm?

Or better yet, how would you like to have someone critiquing you at your job while you are doing it? I'm talking to you, Mr. Surgeon: "He's approaching the patient. Open heart surgery is his specialty, and he can't make any mistakes on this one if he hopes to get paid. Ohhh, I'm not sure what he was thinking about using that size of scalpel – it looked really sloppy on the chest entrance. That should be at least a $12 - $13,000 deduction on the final invoice to the patient."

Yeah, I'll take the easy payout on the scratch ticket. You won't ever find me betting everything on red. But with my Olympic athletes I only appreciate total dominance, or total failure. Winning the silver or bronze is a snoozefest.

So, that being said, here are my top 10 MEMORABLE Olympic moments. Some are inspiring, some are not – but they definitely stand out. But hey, the Olympics are like life, right?

NOTE: I'm not old, so I'm sure Jesse Owens was inspiring in the 1938 Germany Olympics, but I wasn't alive then. We're talking 1984 Los Angeles games on up. Also, this is Summer Olympics only. When the Winter Olympics come to Vancouver I'll do a separate one for that.

10. The time that gay dude hit his head on the diving board.
Greg Lou-gayness (aka A.C. Slater) couldn't compete in the 1980 games because we boycotted the commies, and because he had to go to prom with Screech at Bayside that weekend. In 1988, he plunked his dome on the diving board while performing a reverse 2 1/2 pike. Despite a concussion, he went on to ace the dive in the finals and won gold and the admiration of an awed global audience. Kelly Kapowski was forever shunned.


9. That brotha with the gold shoes shows us how fast he is.
Nowadays everything gets blinged out: shirts, teeth, fingernails, but in the '96 Atlanta games all Michael Johnson (aka Theo Huxtable) had to do was get his gold shoes from the Wizard of the ATL and break his own world record in the 200 meters. So what's he say to that? "Dad, no problem." Good thing he didn't listen to his friend, Cockroach (aka Ben Johnson) shave his head, and juice up on the 'roids. And look at the video! who's that white dude in lane 7 – Me? Look at how far back I am. Not to be outdone, Mrs. Huxtable (aka Flo Jo) won 3 golds in the 1988 games.


8. When that racist chick tripped an American.
Mariah Carey (before the Butterfly album) also known as, Mary Decker, was way favored to win the 3000 meters in the '84 Los Angeles games, but she was gas-faced by South African runner Zola Budd (aka Mary Stewart Masterson with an ugly man wig) at the 1600 meter mark. Budd finished 7th, and Decker was carted off by her beau. My first memory of Olympic controversy.


7. That insanely slow swimmer from some country no one's heard of qualifies for the 100 meter freestyle.
In the 2000 Sydney games, Eric Moussambani (aka Eric the Eel, aka R Kelly) from Equatorial Guinea won his qualifying heat when both the other competitors were disqualified for false starts. Well, apparently in this case, R Kelly's mind was telling him "yes," but his body was telling him "no" after it took him nearly 1:53 to finish – more than twice that of his faster competitors, and outside even the 200m world record. You've got to watch this, I thought a lifeguard was going to jump in at any moment and rescue him. But I guess that's how good I'd be if I did my training at a hotel swimming pool.


6. That time the NBA players crippled all mankind.
The Olympics used to not allow U.S. pro basketball players into the games for some lame "purist" reason, but in the 1992 Barcelona games that all changed. Enter total domination. Your mission: punch the other countries in the mouth and then ask them what country they're from. Then, when they start to tell you what country they're from punch them again because A) Who cares!? and B) We only speak English! That was pretty much the carnage when the likes of Jordan, Barkley, Malone, Magic and what the??? Christian Laettner??? Ummm, is anyone going to tell him to leave? Sure, he was great at Duke, and had one of the sickest shots ever in the NCAA tourney to beat Kentucky, but DREAM TEAM? Maybe if your dream is being the token white kid picked last because no one else wants you.

The Dream Team won gold with an average margin of victory of 43.8 points and without coach Chuck Daly ever using a timeout. And it was never the same after that. What's even better, since I now hate the NBA, is the 2004 "Dream Team" only gaining the bronze medal after losses to powerhouse countries like Puerto Rico, Lithuania, and Argentina. One thing I do have to recognize is Vince Carter's BRUTAL dunk over some tall Frenchie in the 2000 games.




5. Beautiful girls who happen to play a sport.
Not unlike other sports (except bowling), the Olympics are a breeding ground for insane hotties. Now, do we care if any of them medal? NO. Do we care if any of them qualify for the final rounds of their sport? Well, yes, because then we just get to see more of them, but my point is made: HOTNESS TRUMPS ALL! Look at Anna Kournikova. It was years before she finally realized what everyone else already knew - you suck at tennis, but you're rather talented at being hot. She quit tennis and followed her dreams of being a poster child for FHM. Of course, this year's games do not disappoint. Not only do we get the double bonus of all the Chinese hotties that hold the medals and flowers during the ceremonies, but we're treated to the likes of Amanda Beard, Jennie Finch, Heather Mitts, Lolo Jones, and those ridiculous Brazilian synchronized swimmers. In fact, as I type this I just witnessed Lolo completely botch her hurdle event. Ask me if I'm sad…nope. I'm just admiring her wallow in a pool of hotness at the other end of the track. And whomever came up with beach volleyball as an Olympic sport is probably the smartest person known to man.


4. When that big Mormon dairy farmer got a point on that Commie.
Entering the 2000 Sydney Olympics, Russian Aleksandr Karelin had not given up a point in six years or lost a match in 13. U.S. wrestler Rulon Gardner (aka Slingblade) put an end to both streaks, took home the gold, and ruined the Russian's life. It was the equivalent of Hulk Hogan losing the belt to Andre the Giant in 1988 after a 4 year title reign. And, much to my disappointment, Rulon turned down an offer from Vince McMahon to join the WWE. I so wanted to see him vs. Stone Cold. But his gold medal is not even the most impressive thing about Gardner. Did you know he has also survived the following:

1. He was impaled by an arrow in a show-and-tell incident in grade school.
2. He was stranded on a wilderness snowmobile trip and had to have a toe amputated after suffering frostbite.
3. He was hit by a car while riding his motorcycle.
4. He crashed an airplane into Lake Powell and forced to swim in 44 °F water for over an hour before being rescued.




3. Complete marketing FAIL by Reebok.
In 1992 Dan O'Brien (aka lost member of Menudo) set a world record of 8,891 points in the decathlon, and appeared with U.S. rival Dave Johnson (aka the "ugly" friend) in a lame ad campaign for Reebok. The series of commercials, entitled "Dan and Dave," were meant to pimp the decathletes and get everyone super-pumped for the 1992 Summer Olympics. And of course, like most things that get shoved down our throat (with the exception of the movie Titanic – unfortunately) this mighty ship sank faster than…oh wait, I just made a pun! At the U.S. Olympic trials, O'Brien voluntarily passed on the lower heights in the pole vault, then failed in his first three attempts, resulting in no points for the event, and ultimately, did not qualify for the Olympic team. His unexpected failure received considerable attention; Reebok adjusted by running new ads featuring him "cheering" on Dave. Dave went on to win the bronze medal (another FAIL), and Reebok went on to sell sub-par athletic shoes. The only reason this stands out for me is because my sister Kimsicle was in love with Dan O'Brien at the time. It was very crushing for her to see her boyfriend fail so hard. "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!" Not this time, Dan.




2. Witnessing two complete freaks of nature in one Olympics.
I know we've heard so much about him the past week that it's sickening, but Phelps is ridiculous. There's nothing more to say that already hasn't been said. I've never felt my heart pound faster during a single Olympic event than watching his 100 meter butterfly win. The only thing I can do is link to this.

The second complete freakshow is Usain Bolt. His 100 meter race was nothing short of jawdropping. He didn't even try, mon. Had he not showboated at the end, experts say he would have been in the 9.52 range. Absolutely sick.

1. That time that hobbling girl with the boy's haircut won it all.
Anyone who knows me remembers one thing: that I love women's gymnastics. Now, don't confuse me with some kind of creepy old man, because anything more than a love of the sport would put me in a one-on-one with Chris Hanson. Women's gymnastics is the most tense and nerve-racking sport in the Olympics - bar none. One mistake and you're gone.

Yes, there have been greats like Nadia Comaneci, Mary Lou Retton, and Olga Korbut, but to me the biggest "goosebump" moment ever in the Olympics is by that littly mousy-voiced girl: Kerri Strug. Don't get me wrong, I got love for this year's crop too – Shawn John and Nasty Loo – but they failed to win the team gold, and you know how I feel about silver.

Strug's story is just so perfect. Coming back from a nasty fall and injury to beat the Russkies at their own game. Bela Karolyi (aka Captain Kangaroo) carrying her in his arms. Her teammates helping her hobble up the medal stand.



And then she spoke...