Jaundice = Suckfest

Ok, I just realized only some of you have heard about Chloe's big adventure back to the hospital after she was born, but I just got stuck with a $2,800 bill from those haters at Kadlec so it rekindled some old memories.

Plus, my boo's blowin' up my pager with 911 sayin' I need to drop some more science on the blog. I'm like "Who bangin? I have to work 24/7 to pay for this wackness! I don't have time!"

OK, fine, just quit givin' me static.

Anyway, here's what $2,800 gets you >>

Lindsay goes in for her postpartum check and we're thinking it's all good in the hood. You know - get the beebee checked out, show 'em how good she eats, sign a few autographs - and then boom! back to the hotel. Well...naw playa. My sweet bumblebee Chloe ended up with some serious jaundice and my Boo's milk supply had yet to drop. They were going to have to admit them back to the hospital.

Ok, ok, I know jaundice is fairly common among the younglings and there are way more serious things, but taking it to this level was actually very scary. Plus: Bad news and my baby's momma are like oil and water -- no mixy. One time it took me 3 days just to tell her I forgot to renew her Creating Keepsakes subscription, so you can imagine the drama this caused.

The worst part about it was the raunch who gave her the post check. She was like "Her skin's really yellow! You should have brought her in waaaay before today!" Lindsay's like: "You know we're Asian, right? Our skin's always yellow."

Then hooch nurse got really snarky: "Her jaundice level is at a 19.5 - did you know brain damage starts when it hits 20?!"

Seriously, did you work at Les Schwab before this? You know what I'm talking about, right? You roll in just wanting your tires rotated and Gus comes out of the shop "Uh, Did you know all 4 of your tires need to be replaced? Yeah, they're so worn it's actually illegal for me to let you back on the road. You probably wouldn't even make it back to the freeway. Your car will probably ignite and burst into flames." And the you're like "Oh my gosh, you're right, I NEED TIRES RIGHT NOW!"

Well, I wanted to suplex her through the table, but we admit Chloe and of course, Lindsay's in straight freak mode. They've got our baby under the heat lamp, IV hookups, pricking her for blood all the time and there was nothing we could do but wait.

If you've seen baby photos from our other childrens then you'd be thinking the same we were. "Whaaa, one of our kids can't eat?" Don't believe me? See Exhibit A and B to the left.

A normal size man could survive a week on one of their cheeks, or at least a few days off the fat pads on one of their hands.

Chloe - didn't mind it one bit. In fact, she thought she was straight ballin', like she's at some day spa or something. Look at her with her stunna shades on, maxin' under the heat lamp. She doesn't even have to work to get food - it just goes in her body through a tube. Oh, when's your mud bath and your pedicure? Whatever.

Lindsay, on the other hand – not having a good time. She's basically stuck there the whole time trying to get her teeters working so she can nurse Chloe. And it wasn't just the average "Ok, looks like your baby's awake. Let's try and feed her again." Nah, playa, she got the full nine on this one.

Lindsay's 3-hour routine: Wake up Chloe { way harder than it sounds }, Nurse both sides for 20-30 minutes each, Bottle feed for 15 minutes, Pump 15-20 minutes each side, Clean the pump supplies, Rinse, Repeat. No breaks. No naps. Yeah, if dairy cows had to watch a video of that they'd be like, "Wow, what a sucky life."

The biggest slap in the face came when Lindsay got ready to eat. Nurse is like: "Just so you know, since Chloe is the patient, your cafeteria meals will not be included during your stay." Oh, that's fine. We'll pay for the French dip and the fruit platter - no problem, but does this mean Chloe's IV is covered?

My favorite part of Lindsay's routine was the ghetto way she iced the lovelies. She basically just stuffed ice chips into those rubber blue surgical gloves and crammed them under her bra – Niiiiiiiiice and classy-like. { Sorry, no pic for that, but you can catch the live show in Vegas next summer. }

My least favorite part { and definitely hers as well } were the new roommates the night before we checked out. Yeah, every other room is full, so we had to share that tiny space with another family. And when I say "family" I mean the mom, the baby, mom's mom, mom's sister and her 2 kids, mom's friends, mom's yoga instructor – you get the point. I remember walking in the room after work and I was like "Cool! Garage Sale!" and then had to weave my way to the other side to see Lindsay. Never at any point were there less than 7 people there at any one time. We got served on that one.

The only bright spot during that time was a surprise visit from good ol' St. Nick. Oh sweet, thanks Santa. A teddy bear! Wow, that's just what our one week old baby was asking for. Cool, maybe we'll sell it on eBay and make enough to pay for 45 seconds of our hospital stay. Well, Merry Christmas to you too. Yeah, I was going to say, hold our baby, please. Breathe on her with your whisky breath and make sure she touches your mangy beard. Ohhh, wow.

Well, needless to say we got out. I had to also rent a pump for a few weeks until the milk supply was in full effect. It's hard to believe looking at Chloe now that, for at least a brief period of time, she couldn't nurse. I mean, look at those cheeks. And, it looks like she ate so much in this photo that she literally is FULL.

Come on, Chloe, a milk bubble? Really?

Great news: Lindsay called Kadlec and it turns out they hadn't billed the insurance yet, even though they had our information.

Phew! Good thing. That's a lot of money to pay for some boob action.

I'm out.